


Enough

by Hashimi_Sashimi



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, TW: Self loathing i guess, i love isara mao, idk how to properly tag my stuff im sorry, it's just me being annoying and sappy, pls ignore, self-indulgent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 13:32:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16198511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hashimi_Sashimi/pseuds/Hashimi_Sashimi
Summary: I'm much muchMore cowardlyThan you think I am,So why? Why? Why?------2018((Repost from my Wattpad acc lol))





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Reader is not a student of Yumenosaki but is childhood friends with Ritsu and Mao. Anzu is a character of her own. I kind of based this   
> off my oc a bit so sorry
> 
> Self-indulgent. I just need someone like Mao in my life you get what I mean lol
> 
> Thanks for reading this long ass piece of sht lol
> 
> !!!!! TW: Self-loathing (?) I don't know how to properly tag my stuff I'm sorry !!!!!
> 
> I feel really happy  
> That I've met you, but  
> Everything seems  
> So sad as usual
> 
> The memories   
> That are so happy it hurts  
> Walking while fostering the farewells  
> That would come eventually
> 
> I'm much much   
> More cowardly   
> Than you think I am,   
> So why? Why? Why?
> 
> -Eine Kleine

Isara Mao.

Third year, student council president belonging to the school's top unit, Trickstar. Almost everyone who knew him only had kind words and praises. He was reliable, kind and considerate. A hard-worker most definitely - he'd often complain about getting dragged into trouble, but he could never turn his back away from a friend in need - that was just the way he is. Ritsu would take any chance to gush about Mao - his Maa-kun as he would call him - and of course you would too, he was your boyfriend after all and you were more than proud of him for having come so far.

As an idol, Mao always shone brightly onstage. He was captivating and dazzling, it was no surprise he had a lot of fans.

Not that you were complaining, you were happy for him _. Proud even._

Watching him from the audience never failed to fill your chest with warmth, every note, every hymn - every word that escaped the confines of his lips, no matter how flawed or imperfect - sounded like heaven to you.

Mao was sweet and gentle, and he always looked out for you in more ways than one. He always knew what to say, always knew what to do. His smile alone was enough to send waves of comfort to prickle your skin and his radiance shone in the warmth of his kindness.

Maybe you were putting Mao on the pedestal too much.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

To say that he was amazing was an understatement, you admired him and greatly respected him.

He cared for you, understood you and loved you and you did your best to compensate for your short comings and to give back the same love and kindness he reached out to you.

But of course dating such an amazing individual led to a self-evaluation.

.  
.  
.

_**Why was he settling for someone like you?** _

//

**_It started small, like a sapling that had just taken root..._ **

_**...** _

Orange horizons and shadows trail the ground you were treading on, steps heavy and laden with doubt. Mao walked next to you, fingers entwined with yours while the other massaged his throbbing temple. Today had been stressful, it was the start of the new term and the student council had been swamped with request upon request that needed to be filed and stamped. Mao didn't know how he was ever going to manage all that workload, Himemiya had been a big help to him that much was for sure - though it was mostly Yuzuru who did all the work - but there was only so little they could do within the day without having to stay in 'til night and Mao didn't want a repeat of last time, when he had to climb up the school gates after realizing that the teachers had locked up and left him in the student council room, passed out behind stacks of paperwork.

He shuddered at the memory, opting instead to hold your hand tighter in his as though thinking it would diminish the thought from ever occurring again.

The warmth of his hand was reassuring, heat pressing against your cold fingertips and palm.

You chanced a glance at him, eyes briefly meeting his, but even a moment was enough to tell that Mao looked even more tired than he usually is.

The bags under his eyes had grown considerably larger, bangs unclipped, hair dishiveled and messy from the countless of times he had run his hands through it in frustration. His movements were sluggish and languid, not as much as Ritsu's but you could tell that there was an obvious difference from the way he walked. You smiled at him briefly before casting your gaze at your feet, nibbling on your bottom lip anxiously as you bit back the desire to spill your thoughts.

You shouldn't bother him.

He's tired enough as he is.

_But..._

"Hey Mao...?"

"Hn?"

Steeling your nerves, you chanced another glance at his direction, holding your gaze this time when he looked back at you. You let a small smile grace your lips and gently squeezed his hand in yours.

"You don't have to walk me home all the time. You look like you're going to collapse any minute, I worry for you." You mutter under your breath, afraid that you'd ruin the serenity of the atmosphere.

_I really can't bother him about it..._

Mao let out a sigh, ruffling his hair once again with his free hand, then casted a smile towards the ground, brows furrowing ever so slightly. "Does it look that obvious? I totally thought I was somehow managing my workload but ah I guess not huh?" He chuckled, albeit a little sadly then squeezes your hand in response. "Sorry for making you worry, but I'm telling you, I'm fine. I can handle at least this much."

"Mao..."

"I promise, I'll get proper rest when I get home." He squeezes your hand then flashes you a sheepish smile, a faint trace of a blush dusting his cheeks. "And besides, I don't get to spend much time with you nowadays, at least let me do this."

You glanced down at your entwined fingers, looking doubtful as you returned his gaze. You sighed, turned your gaze back at your feet then nodded.

"I'll take your word for it then."

He chuckled then gave your hand another squeeze.

"I promise."

You flashed him a smile and the conversation died from there on, the both of you simply deciding to enjoy each other's presence in silence.

You pressed your lips together, teeth nibbling on your lower lip.

Thinking.

Thinking.

_Thinking._

A sigh.

_I don't want to be a bother._

**_..._ **

_**Then it started to grow-** _

_**...** _

It had been a week since you had last seen Mao and in that span of time you had tried to rely on him less, rarely asking to help you pick up the groceries or help with your homework, the usual stuff you used to ask him for help. The first few days were difficult to keep away from him and you had to come up with an array of excuses to avoid him. It was obvious that he was suspicious of you - who wouldn't be with how fidgety you were acting? - but Mao being Mao had decided it was just right to give you some well deserved personal space. He still texts you the usual sweet  _Good morning_ ,  _Good night_ or  _Do well at school!_ and frankly it was his kindness and consideration that pierced your chest with guilt.

"I'm home." You announced, voice bouncing off the empty halls of your home. Not expecting a reply, you quickly slid out of your school shoes, placed them onto the rack then started to drag your body into your room, ready to slump into a heap of limbs and tired mass.

Sweat started to trickle down your nape and into your shirt, trailing down your spine and sending a shiver to run through your nerves.

You sighed then gathered your hair to tie it up.

You tossed your bag onto the floor near your bed, a loud thud emanating from the act. Realizing that the day probably wasn't going to get any cooler, you turned the AC on then headed for the bathroom to fill the tub for a well deserved soak. You peeled your clothes off then dipped your toe into the water. Deeming the water warm enough, you turned off the tap then sat inside.

An involuntary sigh left the confines of your lips, muscles soothing as the warmth seeped into your skin.

Snippets of conversations from the past few days had suddenly come to mind. The walk home with Mao, the short conversation with Anzu, the heavy weighing of your thoughts and the clenching of your chest in response.  

Anzu. 

_Ah....right._

_It was a few days back, before you had started to avoid Mao, it was an off day for you at school and Mao had  taken the chance to invite you to watch their live. You had been hesitant at first but Mao had pleaded to you and you didn't really have the heart in you to say no to him after all he's done for you._

_The lights, the music, the high tension in the air and the heavy emotions in every note._

_It was obvious from the level of performance and the energy that captivated the entire auditorium, that Trickstar had spent an awfully long time practicing and if it wasn't obvious from the amount of cheering and screaming at the auditorium earlier, the fans clearly loved every second. Even Anzu, who sat beside you through the entire show, looked mesmerized as her classmates captured the entire auditorium._

_Anzu._

_It wasn't as if that was your first time meeting Anzu, but being the shy reclusive girl you were, you rarely had any opportunities to actually talk and spend time with her except for today. You recalled her smile and her voice. Her presence itself was warm and comforting it was no wonder almost everyone got along with her. Mao would tell you about her occasionally, from how she always managed to personally sew and design the costumes they wear, to overseeing practices and discussing lives and events. From what you heard she was a very competent girl. She and Mao was very similar in that sense and you couldn't help but wonder sometimes if he had any sort of attraction to her. Being the only girl in a school full of teenage boys certainly makes it plausible. Probably half of the entire campus had even an inkling of a romantic inclination for the teen._

_She's beautiful._

_Her eyes were soft and kind, holding you with only the gentlest of gazes. The color of the sea reflecting in her orbs. Her hair, a beautiful shade of hazel, gently cascading down her shoulders. And if the stories Mao told you were anything to go by, she was the perfect example of an ideal girlfriend, with her hard-working streak and her perceptiveness._

_They'd be a perfect fit._

_"Isara-kun's very hardworking and kind, you're a very lucky girl." She comments the moment Subaru noisily announces that you were Mao's girlfriend._

_Mao blushed immediately, a hand sheepishly running through his hair after scolding Subaru - who immediately started to make fun of Mao - ("Sarii's blushing Sarii's blushing!" He chanted) - which had of course resulted in some rough housing. The latter trying to escape Mao's attempt of a headlock._

_No, you're wrong - You were tempted to say, but held back the words on the back of your tongue._

_"I don't know what I ever did to deserve him actually." You mutter, thankful that the rest of the boys were too busy with their antics to notice the small exchange between you and Anzu. "He's far better off with someone else." You chuckle, purposefully avoiding Anzu's eyes. It scared you. Her presence, no matter how comforting, held an unmistakable aura of power._

_You were sure she could easily see through you and read you like a book._

_"He speaks highly of you." She said, a consoling tone in her voice. "I'm sure it would make him upset to hear that from you._

_You sighed._

_"I know."_

The conversation hadn't been entirely uncomfortable, Anzu being as perceptive as she was, had dropped the subject and had turned the conversation around to something else. 

You sighed, rubbing your arms at the memory, growing even more helpless as time passed by.

_Mao._

You wanted to see him. 

You wanted to apologize. 

But with the way you were now you were afraid you'd end up bursting into tears before you could manage to explain the situation to him. 

What would he think then?

That you were weak, that you were pathetic, that you didn't trust him enough with your problems when all he had ever done was give you more than what you ever deserved. 

There were probably people out there with more pressing problems than you do but here you were just a little insecure. Just a little unsure. Just a little undeserving and just a little flawed. Try as you might, maybe you just weren't enough. 

For your family.

For your friends.

For Mao.

And the thought of not being able to give back to the people you loved because of your own shortcomings left a lump in your throat and a thorn in your side. 

To drag others down to your pace just because you were well.... _you -_ it was unthinkable.

_Pathetic._

You dunked your head underwater - water spilling out of the sides of the tub  _\- and you fought back the urge to breathe in._

Mao stood in front of your door an hour or so later, take-out in his hands from your favorite restaurant and a couple of sweets from Ritsu ("Here Maa-kun~ Share them to ____-chan, it's my latest masterpiece." He had said, smirking and chuckling in a way that made Mao nervous) - they still looked a little dubious, but as usual, Mao was sure the appearance doesn't affect how it tastes. This was Ritsu we were talking about after all. He rapped his knuckle against the door once, then twice. He knew your parents were out for the day and by this time you should have been home hours ago. Puzzled, he stood there unmoving, waiting for at least some kind of answer before trying the doorknob and to his surprise it turned without any reluctance and the door easily opened.

Mao couldn't help but think of the worst possible scenario.

He excused himself inside then shut the door behind him, eyes scanning the house which was devoid of any movement, he noticed your shoes neatly placed on the rack. It took a little weight off his chest but nevertheless his thoughts continue to run still. He discards his own shoes next to yours then slowly went up the flight of stairs to your room.

"_____?" He called out. "_____ are you there?"

Silence.

It doesn't take him a while before he reaches your room. He tried knocking again and the panic had only started to truly set in when he still didn't get a reply.

"_____ I'm coming in." Mao said as if you could hear then opened your door. Jade eyes immediately set on looking for you and was only slightly relieved to see that there weren't any signs of struggle in the room. He placed the bag of takeout on your desk then turned to the bathroom door. He knocks again and even though he's gone through this thrice that day he's still surprised to see the door unlocked.

He blushes at the prospect of accidentally walking into you naked but his worry was starting to outweigh his embarrassment.

He turns the knob again and his breath catches in throat.

There you were in your tub, unconscious, back sliding down the end of the tub and head lolling slightly to the side. From Mao's angle it looked like you had drowned and the poor boy has already been in a panic from the moment he stepped into your house but nothing could compare to the adrenaline that rushed through his veins as he hurried to your side to fish you out of the tub. He almost slips on spilled water and his knees crash heavily on the tiled floor, his hands shot out to grab you, pulling you closer to the edge of the tub to straighten your posture.

"_____? _____! Please don't do this to me-" He says, hands on your shoulders as he pulls you up into a better position. Mao doesn't even mind your current state of undress nor the fact that he got his uniform wet from kneeling beside the tub and immediately starts to shake you awake. His worry completely dissipates the moment your eyes flutter open and Mao allows a sigh to escape his lungs. He pulls you into a hug despite your own confusion and buries his face into your neck.

"M-Mao what are-" You stutter, surprised.

"I thought you were  _dead_." He manages, arms wrapping tightly around you as if he was afraid to let you go.

The situation sinks in and you realize that half-way through all that thinking you had probably fallen asleep (the water had even gone cold) and Mao had come inside in a panic thinking you had drowned in the bath. Although the thought had occurred to you there was no way you could actually tell him that you considered it. You opened your mouth to apologize but Mao had already shot back at you, arms loosening around you just enough to let you breathe and pulled away to look at you with his face painted with concern.

The sight of it made your chest clench in guilt.

"I called you three times before coming here. I knocked and I called and you weren't answering, can you even imagine how I felt when I saw you unconscious? I thought you drowned. I thought you were dead. I thought I had  _lost you._ " Mao rambles, visibly shaken, voice rising in tune as he continued then silent as a whisper, you weren't sure if your eyes were playing tricks with you but it looked almost as if he was ready to cry.

 _Ah, I've gone and worried him again._ You thought to yourself, shamefully looking down at your hands clenched tightly around the edge of the tub.  _Again, I keep giving him troubles. Over and over again._

"...I'm sorry." You murmur, taken aback by his sudden tone. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." You repeat like a mantra, face burying in his chest as your eyes sting with the beginning of tears.

The guilt starts to creep up in Mao's chest. He shouldn't have raised his voice at you like that but he did and he hurt you and hurting you was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

He hushes you with a gentle whisper then brought a hand up to cup your cheek.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice. I was just worried." He sighs, brows furrowed slightly when he notices the pained look in your eyes.

A thumb gingerly runs under your eye to swipe away a tear that had threatened to fall then gently presses his lips against your forehead, an act that immediately calms you at once. Mao lets a small smile slip on his features before he slowly pulls himself away from you then drapes a towel over your head. Albeit a little red and awkward, now that the panic had settled and his mind completely registers the fact that you were stark naked in front of him, he stands up then stutters almost nervously.

"I-I'll wait for you in your room then."

He almost slips on the way out, cursing under his breath - which of course doesn't go unnoticed. He glances at you for the last time with burning red cheeks then disappeared behind the door.

...

Mao's ears perk up at the sound of you entering the room, he looks a little less flustered now but his cheeks still hold a pinkish hue, he waves you over to his side and you follow immediately. Feet padding against the floor as you paced towards your bed.

Slow steps soon take you to where he sat and eventually after a little contemplation you decide to take up the space next to him, bed sinking slightly at both your weights.

An awkward silence fills the air as you fiddled with your fingers.

You hadn't expected to see him again so soon, not in your sorry state. You just hoped he wouldn't bring it up.

Mao clears his throat with a cough, pulling your attention away from the anxiety bubbling in your chest. You don't look at him though, unsure of what expression you'd be wearing when he starts to address you and there's something in you that you weren't quite sure what to call.

Was it fear?

Maybe.

"I'm actually pretty relieved I decided to drop by today despite being uninvited." Mao starts. "If I had come any later you might have seriously drowned in there if you didn't wake up any sooner." He chuckles nervously almost as if he was imagining the scenario already.

 _That would have been better actually._  You thought.

"Ah." Came your flat reply.

The bed dips again and you figured Mao had probably shifted in his position. Warm hands on your own suddenly make you flinch and Mao finds himself involuntarily apologizing but he doesn't pull away and instead takes your smaller hands into his own.

You refuse to look up at him still, heart racing a thousand miles per second that you were sure Mao could sense the unease seeping from your aura.

He rubs your clenched knuckles with his thumbs then starts in a gentle tone.

"You've been avoiding me lately it seems."

_Ah, here we go._

"Are you alright? Have I done something wrong? If I did then let me apologize to you properly and-"

"It's not your fault." You immediately retort, hands clenching your own tighter than you had earlier. "It's not your fault." You repeat, finally finding the courage to look at him. He greets you with a look of confusion and Mao continues.

"Then what? _____ you know I don't like seeing you like this right? If there's anything I can do to help, anything at all then you could ask me. I don't like being dragged into troublesome things but you know how I am and I can't leave you when you're hurting like this."

A bitter chuckle escapes your lips and Mao couldn't help but wonder what happened to have made you this way.

"You always say things like this..." You inhale shakily. "That's why I decided to not be a burden."

Mao's brows furrowed at your statement.

"_____ you were never a bother, what made you say that?"

"I am." You look up at him, more confidently than you had earlier despite the aching in your chest. "I am and I know you won't tell me because you don't want to hurt me, but Mao I'm not stupid and I know what I am." You look back down at your hands, losing the vigor from earlier as your voice died down into a whisper. _"I'm deadweight."_

The words left a heavy weight in your heart and though you've come to terms with it, actually saying them left a bitter taste in your tongue.

Mao didn't know where to start. Unexpectedly enough he found himself at a loss for words. It wasn't as if he didn't know you were feeling down. He knew you were, but everytime he tried to reach out to you the more you'd run away from him instead. Which was why he opted to wait. He waited for hours and those hours had slowly turned into days. Now that he thought about it maybe it was wrong of him to have left you alone when you needed him the most. When you needed reassurance and acceptance. But what did he do? He slept through your worries hoping that tomorrow you'd come around and talk to him and everything would be the same as usual. The guilt was eating him from the inside and Mao felt like whatever he said would feel like an excuse.

"I'm not pretty, I'm not smart. I'm not even half as hardworking as you and I half-ass everything I do. You could be with someone like Anzu." You smiled. "She's prettier, she's a much better option than me and it seems like you've grown fond of her too so isn't that great? She gets along with your friends too and she's loved by everyone in your school. She's your precious producer and she'll be able to support you all the way. Way more than I ever can or hope to imagine." You murmur, recalling the way Mao would fondly tell you about Trickstar and their escapades with Anzu.

"I can't help it...I can't help but think about it. Everyday feels like a pain to be alive and everyday I think about how better off you'll all be without me in your lives." A choked sob follows your sentence as you furiously wipe the tears that had gathered in your eyes.

You paused then breathed, looking up at him with tear-blurred vision.

_"Especially you."_

You chuckle, face contorting from the varying emotions.

"Especially you..."

Your voice drops to a whisper and your fingers unconsciously grip at the hems of your shirt, digging past the fabric and into your palms enough to make it hurt.

"_____..." Mao pauses, gathering his thoughts before cupping your cheek in his hand, caressing it with the back of his thumb. He stares at you directly but your eyes wander away from his gaze. "I don't think that way about you. I never have and I never will."

"Never's a really strong word."

"-And I'm sure of it."

"You're just saying that."

"-because I love you and I think you're amazing."

"Eventually things will change and you'll see how pathetic I really am and-"

 _"_____!"_ Mao finally snaps and you instinctively flinch in response.

You closed your eyes, shoulders tense and slightly trembling.

"_____." Mao repeats in a much gentler tone, thumb running softly against your cheek as he urges you to look in his direction. He presses a kiss against your temple then pulls away to look at you again. "_____, look at me...please?"

His hands drop to hold both of your own again then comfortingly draws circles on your knuckles with the back of his thumb. Gentle, soothing and kind, Mao's voice and quiet plea eventually calms your nerves, enough to crack your eyes open to look at him as he had requested.

A small smile tugs on the corners of his lips and he leans in again to rest his forehead against your own.

 _"_____, you're enough."_ He whispers quietly but loud enough for you to hear.

Mao brings your hand up to his lips as he pulled away from you, kissing your palm as you sniffled back a sob.

"You don't have to be someone else around me, you don't have to try to prove anything to anyone. You're beautiful and strong and compassionate, I've never met anyone like you and you're special to me because I love you, I'll tell you everyday if I have to."

"Mao I-"

He shakes his head, stopping you mid-sentence before pressing on.

"You're enough. You're beautiful as you are and you'll continue to be and if you start thinking you aren't I'll be here to remind you. You're beautiful.  _You're enough._ "

"...I'm sorry." You murmur through the beginning of tears, lower lip trembling as Mao pulled you into his chest, fingers soothingly threading into your hair as you clung onto him, desperate to compose yourself. "I'm sorry." You sobbed, tears wetting his shirt as you nuzzled into him, your breathing sharp and uneven.

Mao shushes you gently, it pained him to see you upset but if crying made you feel better then he was more than glad to be of help.

You needed to hear that.

You needed to hear that a lot.

Seconds pass and seconds into minutes.

You finally pull away from his chest, red-faced and flushed, whether it was from the embarrassment or from the crying, Mao wasn't sure. Maybe it was both, but at the moment it didn't really matter much.

You mutter another apology, hand fumbling to wipe your tears with the back of it.

 _"You're enough."_ His words repeat in your mind. The urge to retort eats your thoughts at the back of your mind but you resist and opted to stay quiet instead.

Mao shook his head then took both of your cheeks into his hand, swiping his thumb under your eyes before pecking your lips. His eyes shimmer in the darkness of your room and his body warm next to yours.

He places another kiss on your temple.

Then on your nose.

Gentle, fluttering kisses that conveyed his love for you.

He chuckles.

Then he smiles.

The same smile you don't mind waking up to every morning.

The same smile you'd trade the moon and the stars for.

Emerald eyes stay glued to your form, drinking in every detail so that he could engrave the memory into his mind. Your sorrows seep into his skin, tugging at his heart.

He breathes in deeply then raises your head to look at him.

His voice is light and gentle and you realized you've never quite told him how much you loved hearing it.

.

.

.

_"...Smile for me?"_

**Author's Note:**

> Literally just something self-indulgent I decided to write.  
> I tried to write Mao as accurately as I could, if I wasn't able to portray him properly then I apologize. I think the ending was a little weaker than I had intended it to be, partly because I don't really know what to do to get myself out of this situation either.
> 
> I wandered around a bit before going for this. I might change some things up a bit sometime if I get the motivation to but for now it's just this I suppose.
> 
> Thanks for reading until the end.


End file.
